I’ve blogged about my weight — often. Being married to a wonderfully beautiful (and petite) woman, I constantly feel heavy. Of course, this isn’t her fault. After all, it’s not my jacket that makes me look fat. It’s my fault. Let’s face it, I’m fat.

There’s a thousand reasons and theories behind my stature. I’ve heard it’s the carbs. I’ve heard it’s the red meat (although that’s very limited thanks to the Mrs.). It’s high-fructose corn-syrup. It’s processed foods. It’s yatta yatta yatta. Bottom line: It’s me, it’s me, and it’s me. Much like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I’ve got a theory (it’s not rabbits)… but let me digress.

I’ve tried low carb.

It worked well. I lost weight. I put it back on when I reintroduced carbs. I lather, rinsed, repeated, and gained and lost weight in true yo-yo style. Of course, I believe I did this with style and grace— more of a Yo Yo Ma style. I will not give up carbs. I love pasta. I love bread. My favorite meal in this world is Paglia e Fieno. 

For crying out loud, I bake bread and cakes every day. I’m not giving up carbs. Period.

I’ve pretty much already cut out soda… but on late nights at the bakery, Yeni and I have been known to do the Diet Dew. Hard. Like crazy hard. When I drink soda, I don’t gain more weight. When I stop drinking soda, I don’t lose more weight. I cut out soda simply because I’m not a big fan of soda.

I don’t eat that much red meat. At the most, once a week. Normally, once every two weeks. Although, if it were my choice, I’d eat a steak twice a day, every day. At the Peter Luger Steak House. My wife doesn’t eat red meat and therefore we don’t buy red meat. When I eat red meat, it’s only because we’ve gone out to eat.

In the past, I’ve tried Atkins. South Beach. The 40/30/30. The “eat what fits in your hand” diet. Vegetarian (longest week of my life). Here’s my belief (props to Kevin Smith1): These aren’t diets; they’re lifestyles. If you’re living in the Atkins/No carb lifestyle, go for it. Not me brother. I’m not giving up carbs. I’ve been to Italy. I’ve seen smoking hot, thin Italian women and thin Italian men eating pasta and drinking wine. Then smoking. Smoking’s out for me, but just saying. Again, to be perfectly clear, I am saying “no” to no/low carbs. It’s simply not my lifestyle.

Last night it hit me. Literally and figuratively. Yeni and I left the bakery after a long day— we were starving. Long day plus not eating properly left us BEYOND hungry. A hungry Fred is a dangerous Fred. Fred must eat. When the boiler needs food, it overcompensates. We went to Las Margaritas and I gorged. Yeni did as well, but she’s so petite that her gorging is just adorable. We ate WAY too much and paid the price. After dealing the heartburn pills, the fullness, the crankiness, we woke up to the increased poundage.

It’s my fault. 100% my fault — not Las Margarita’s. Not Yeni’s. Mine. All mine. I’ve gone to Las Margaritas and not devoured food like a madman. I’ve gone before and left food on the plate. So why was last night different?

Yeni and I left the bakery after a long day— we were starving.

There you have it. The key my friends, at least my new theory… “a starving Fred makes bad choices.” My new philosophy: one bite at a time. So far I’m 10 hours into it. It’s going great. But of course, 10 hours is nothing.

This is not a diet. This is a lifestyle, and with any lifestyle, one must fully commit.

My choices last night kept me from enjoying anything post-dinner. My fullness prevented me from exercising. I didn’t sleep well. I didn’t feel well. Again, it’s my fault.

With my new “one-bite-at-a-time” attitude I will be eating all day long. When I’m hungry, I eat — immediately. But the portion is literally, a bite; a big bite, but a bite nonetheless.

With luck and perseverance, I’m confident this lifestyle change will allow me to actualize my goal of losing a tremendous amount of weight. Of course, only time and Yo Yo Ma will tell.


1 If you haven’t seen Dogma, please watch it. Great movie. Kevin Smith is simply one of the best screenwriters of our time. Anyway, Rufus (Chris Rock) plummets from the sky and starts jibber jabbering with Jay, Silent Bob, etc. when asks why having beliefs isn’t a good idea. Rufus states, “I think it’s better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. Life should malleable and progressive; working from idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to certain points and limit growth; new ideas can’t generate. Life becomes stagnant.